Lost and Lovely Moments
by GrayShoedWonder
Summary: Set in the middle of the Season one episode "The Beginning of the End". After Morgana and Mordred were captured by Arthur, where did she go for comfort? What if she had gone to Merlin? Merlin/Morgana and a kiss...


**All right, so here's another Mergana thing that I felt the desire to write (cuz, ya know, I sort of am a HUGE Mergana fan...) Working hard on a bunch of things right now, so longer projects are moving along, though not as quickly as I hoped they would.**

**PLOT: Set in the middle of the Season one episode "The Beginning of the End". After Morgana and Mordred were captured by Arthur, where did she go for comfort? What if she had gone to Merlin?**

**HOPE YOU ENJOY!**

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Morgana didn't know what else to do. The boy had been captured; he was in the dungeons, waiting to be executed by Uther at some point. She could see in his face that Arthur didn't trust her, while Gwen was only involved because she'd had no choice. The entire experience left her distraught and confused. Nobody supported her, and she was not allowed to speak her mind for fear of the king's disapproval and forceful retribution. Except for Merlin. Merlin had been the one to introduce her to the boy when he had almost been caught saving him. He was the one who had assisted her in her attempt to get the Druid boy out of the city even though he didn't need to. He had been there from the beginning.

So it was to him that Morgana fled. She knew the way to Gaius's chambers by heart after so many years of being treated by him, and knew that Merlin lived in the little room at the back of his main room. The door creaked softly as she pushed it open, but she also knew that Gaius was a sound sleeper and the noise would not wake him. Careful to make sure that her heels didn't click too loudly on the floor, Morgana crossed to Merlin's room and pushed the door open. The hinges didn't squeak, probably because Merlin had needed to oil them in order to get out of his room at night.

Merlin himself was standing with his back to her. He had had enough time to return from Gwen's house in the city. His shirt was flung across the bedcovers, and he whirled around as he heard the door open. "Morgana!" he gasped, reaching for his shirt and hastily pulling it over his head. "Why are you here? I thought you were getting the boy out of the city."

"I was, but we were caught. Oh Merlin, I'm so scared." She had shut the door and moved a little further into the room, but was still a good way aways from him. Her voice was choking with repressed tears. "I don't think I could bear it if he died. If anything happened to him..."

Merlin closed the distance between them and grasped her shoulders in his long-fingered hands, their weight and warmth comforting. "It will be okay, Morgana. We will find a way to save him, I promise."

She turned her face to look at him. His eyes blazed with intensity in the dim light of the single candle on the bedside table. Suddenly, and without warning, she felt perfectly safe in his arms, her eyes on his. It was right where she belonged, and exactly where she wanted to be. Her terror at what Uther would do when he was told in the morning receded, and for a moment she forgot that Merlin was a servant, so far below her he was almost off the map; she forgot that she knew next to nothing about him; she only knew that that moment felt right.

Without thinking, she leaned up and kissed him. His hands found her slender satin-clad waist and pulled her against him as he kissed her back. Morgana wrapped her arms around his neck, deepening their kiss. Merlin responded in kind, sliding his strong arms around her thin frame. He did not make any attempt to push her away; in fact, he seemed more keen on the idea than she was.

Reality kicked into Morgana's mind and she wrenched herself away, ripping herself away from the safety of his embrace. There was nothing she wanted more than to turn around again, press her lips against his, explore every inch of his body, but years of propriety lessons prevented her.

"I'm sorry," Merlin said, and she felt his hand on her shoulder. "I didn't mean-"

But she cut him off. "It's okay. It's my fault. I'm sorry." She couldn't think of anything else to say after that, except"I should go."

"Morgana, you don't have to," he started, but she pulled her shoulder out from under his hand and crossed the room without another word, shutting the door with a final sounding click. All the long walk back to her chambers, Morgana hated herself. If she had only turned around, she could have had him again, his lips on hers, his arms wrapped around her. But she did not think she loved him. She just wanted him.

The boy, on the other hand, the Druid boy. Him she loved. Their connection was deeper than anything she could have imagined. It was like a mother and a child. Morgana would have done anything to keep him safe, would still do anything to keep him safe. She needed to come up with some sort of plan, an escape, a desperate rescue. And the only person who willingly helped her was Merlin, and that was why she had gone to him.

Embarrassment, hot and red, flooded her cheeks as she reentered her chambers and shut the door, grateful that Gwen was not there. How could she face Merlin again, after what she had just done? It was not that she did not like him, it was just that she did not believe that she loved him. Perhaps he loved her, perhaps he thought that she had always been attracted to him. And yet now that she actually thought about it, she came to realize that their kiss had not been totally awful. In fact it had been much better than she would have expected it to be, had she ever thought about it. Morgana had kissed many men, but none had been quite as Merlin had been. And yet the boy, the boy. He jumped again to her mind, and she knew that she would do whatever it took, even if it meant that she would have to face Merlin again. She flopped back on her bed, confused and upset at the events of the entire night. Merlin and the Druid boy.

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The next morning she was taken by Arthur to Uther's presence, and severely reprimanded for her supposed "crimes" against him. Morgana fought back with what words she had, but her guardian hadn't listened. Arthur stood there silent as the grave when she needed him and had not reacted to Uther's violent and cruel behavior, not even in defense of her. When Uther had grabbed her throat and slammed her against the back of the tall chair, her heart had jumped from her chest. The king's eyes had locked on hers, and in them she had seen black wells of hatred and lust for power. How could he profess to love her, yet hold such hate towards her? Terror and loathing grew within her. Where they had been seeds before, they were sprouting to smothering vines, consuming her from the inside out.

Back in her chambers, Merlin had waited for her, leaning awkwardly on the back of one of her own straight backed chairs. "Um, hi, Morgana," he had begun, standing up when she entered.

"Merlin." Once again she felt the inexplicable desire to be wrapped in his arms, comforted and safe. His blue eyes looked into her gray ones, and she almost lost control. With a great struggle, she clawed her emotions back into her power. "You heard that I spoke with Uther."

"Yes, I'm afraid I did. How did it go?"

Morgana desperately wanted to run to him, cry into his shoulder her fears for herself and for the Druid boy. She wanted him to hold her close and tell her that everything would be okay, tell her that he would never let Uther hurt her like he had threatened to. But she couldn't. She needed to remain strong to everyone, even the only person she wanted. "It went fine," she lied instead, ensuring that her face didn't betray her turmoil of emotions. She knew that she needed to confront the elephant in the room, even though she didn't want to. "Merlin, you know last night..." Morgana trailed off.

"Yes, and um, I actually wanted to talk to you about that-"

She cut him off yet again. "It was nothing. I'm sorry. I just was scared and upset and I needed somebody to be with. I promise it won't happen again." It crushed her to see the hurt in his eyes and features. She did like him, she realized it now, but it was far too late to take back her words.

"Yeah, yeah of course." He sank back down and she crossed to lean on the white pillar that split her room into its different parts. "I didn't think it meant anything. Well, you know, um..." he too trailed off, confused with his feelings and words.

Her thoughts turned again to the boy. "I promised I wouldn't let anything bad happen." Morgana was almost in tears at the possibility of his execution.

"You can't blame yourself, you tried your best," Merlin said, not looking at her.

"It's not enough!" That made him look at her, and she almost started crying right there. The loss of the boy, and her inadvertent loss of Merlin were almost overwhelming. She took a deep, choking breath.

"He's in jail now; there's nothing more we can do." He turned away from her once more.

The resignation in his voice roused Morgana to mild anger. There was always something more that could be done. "I will not let him die!" she said forcefully, striding across the room to face him. The boy couldn't die; if he did there would be no reason for her to live. But when Merlin's eyes once again returned to her own, she stopped short. He looked understanding, and she imagined that in his eyes she could see a deep, adoring love for herself. It was all she really wanted to see in him. "I can count on your help," she said, but it was more a question than an imperative or a statement. She needed him to say yes, both to heal the widening and dangerous gap between them and to save the boy.

He nodded, and she nodded back, relief flooding her. "Thank you," she breathed. She was unable to bear his gaze for a moment longer and strode away, grateful that she had gotten that over with, and somehow managed to survive the pain.

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Merlin could barely deal with her distance from him. After the night before, when she had looked at him and kissed him and held him, how could she do that? The first time he had thought they might have had a future was when she had looked at him over the boy's barely breathing body and said that she did not believe that magic was evil. He had looked at her, the breathtaking beauty of her face, the pride and strength of her soul, and had seen that he might one day trust her with his darkest most precious secret. If she had admitted to loving him as he had grown to love her.

But Morgana had pushed Merlin away with her uncaring and dismissive words. Just when he had hope that she would open up to him, she had closed herself off again and shut the door of her emotions to the world. He wanted to scream out that she could trust him, that he would never betray her, but she was the only important one in the relationship. He would not force himself or his attentions on her. It would never be if she did not want it to be. But in his heart of hearts, Merlin knew that he would love her forever. Their bond ran deeper than a single kiss, and certainly deeper than all the cruel words in the world.

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They never spoke of the night or the kiss again. But in the future, when Morgana sought to destroy the king and Merlin fought to stop her, in the dead of the night their minds would turn to those lost and lovely moments. Morgana would wonder what would have happened if she had told Merlin that she loved him and wanted him. Maybe he would have held her when she found her magic and made life in Camelot somewhat bearable. Merlin would wonder what would have happened if he had confessed his feelings for the king's ward. Perhaps she wouldn't have felt so alone under Uther's thumb. Perhaps it all could have been prevented. They would never know.

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**I hope you liked it! Please review, I really would like to know what y'all think of it. Constructive criticism is always welcome. :)**


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